High Five for Friday: February 16

Well, hello Friday! Let's see what put the sparkle into this week! 

• I was psyched to be back at yoga teacher training last weekend!

Buuut as we're getting closer to teaching an actual class, we've been practice teaching more and more. I know I signed up to learn how to teach, like duh, but doing so is WAY out of my comfort zone--and worrisome because I know that I tend to dissociate super easily when people are watching me do something. My brain and body just stop communicating. I'm there, but I'm not there. And if I can feel it happening, then the panic starts rising.

And that did indeed happen during a teaching exercise on Saturday. My brain went totally blank, I started getting increasingly panicked, and I ended up fleeing and sobbing in the bathroom. YAY. But I'm including this moment in H54F as a good thing because it revealed something important to me: that I spend so much of my life actively avoiding anxiety triggers so that I won't break down in front of people like this. I usually end up staying home in hiding because that feels like the only option I can handle without drowning in anxiety. But yoga teacher training is the opposite of that--I'm actually out there, in community, doing something. And when you actually do stuff, with other people, you're going to potentially feel things. I'm not gonna lie--the panic attack was terrible and really freaked me out (I haven't felt like that in a looong time), but it happened because I'm trying to LIVE. And that was a powerful realization.

• When I was finally able to breathe again and come back into the room, I found that the other girls had waited for me to "OM" with them at the end of the exercise. I had felt awful for running out, so this sweet gesture almost got me crying again! (But in a good way this time!) I’m so very glad to be part of such a wonderful group. ❤️

• To keep with that lovey dovey-ness, I hope y'all had a fantastic Valentine's Day! I love any excuse for pink, hearts, and sparkles, even though I didn't do anything especially festive, besides getting this awesome card from my dad (whose birthday is Valentine's Day!):

“That scratch will heal” 😂😩😂 

• After days of rain and fog, the sun came back this week, and I've been like a cat in a sunbeam! I've started going for a walk around my therapist's super-cute neighborhood after my appointments, and when I did this week (basking in the sun!), I spotted this guy! He wanted nothing to do with me, but I was thrilled nonetheless! (I saw him from across the street and was like, TARGET ACQUIRED! Commence kissy noises!)

• Lastly, I'd been intrigued by Flower cosmetics for awhile, but then somebody (I think Lavendaire?) posted Flower lipstick swatches in their IG Stories recently, and I was like "GIRL YES." The problem is that a.) it's only available at Walmart (which I never go to) and b.) when I attempted to go to the one near my house, I found that they don't actually carry Flower! Luckily, the Walmart near work does, so I made a little "Treat yo self" stop on my way to work on Thursday! They didn't have the full range of products that's available online, which was kind of disappointing buuut didn't stop me from getting three lipsticks!

Hope you have a great weekend! xo

High Five for Friday: February 9

Let's see what put the sparkle into this big week for Philly:

• I am generally not at all interested in football, but even I've got a touch of Eagles (or Iggles) fever now! I still can't believe that they actually WON THE SUPER BOWL. Like, how did that even happen?! And that's not a diss--it's because I'm a super-paranoid/negative sports fan. Like, don't touch the Prince of Wales trophy, and definitely don't think your team is actually going to win the big game. (I was a complete basketcase when the Flyers were in the Finals in 2010. I was hiding in the closet when Patrick Kane scored the Cup-winning goal in OT!) But holy hell, the Eagles did the damn thing!! Congrats to all you Eagles fans out there! :)

• This also means that I was treated to many renditions of "Fly Eagles Fly" on the trumpet courtesy of our neighbor on Sunday night, which will never not be hilarious to me.

#tbt to our street’s celebration on Sunday in honor of the parade today 😂🎺🦅 #flyeaglesfly #iggles #phillyphilly

A post shared by Jess (@jessie_face4) on Feb 8, 2018 at 5:40am PST

• I love what Nick Foles had to say after winning. (I also love that he looks like he should be teaching fifth grade Social Studies.) As someone who is struggling some right now, I found it very comforting. 

• Moving on... Sunday was probably the best day I've had in weeks! (And this has nothing to do with the Eagles!) The morning was rough, but I went to a trauma-sensitive yoga class (my fave type of yoga tbh) and then visited my friend Maggie, who twirled me around her house and made me laugh uncontrollably because she is a beautiful goddess. And then I went home to an empty house. Cue the chorus of angels! I was supposed to go to my aunt's to watch the Super Bowl, but I've been such an emotional wreck lately that I decided to stay home so that I had the space to cry or sleep or whatever the spirit moved me to do. It was the perfect decision. ❤️

• And lastly, in this installment of "Weird Ass Song of the Week," we have Eddie Money's "Think I'm in Love," which was featured in last week's episode of Waco. (Is anyone else watching Waco? Pops saw the first episode while I was away and was so pumped about it that it's the first thing he told me about when I got home, haha!) "Think I'm in Love" is a song I totally forgot existed, but it's so catchy and 80s that it's been a fine accompaniment on my many walks lately!

Hope you have a great weekend! xo

February 2018 goals

Oh hey, a goals post! I didn't do one in January because I just didn't feel like it, whoops. I kind of subbed in Timmi's tarot reading instead (relating HARD to the Four of Cups) and called it a day.

February's "goals" are different than usual because I'm still in this very triggered emotional state and haven't been productive with much else. So this month's "goals" are really things that I need to remind myself of as I work through this.  

I’m learning that I spend most of my time bouncing between a state of panic (*hyperventilates*) and shutdown ("I'll never get better, so what’s the point?"). But there's an in-between place (my "window of tolerance") that I need to get to so that I can make measured, thoughtful decisions about my life, rather than just freaking out or giving up. Breathing and not getting swept up in my thoughts (which are typically being colored by my anxiety, depression, and PTSD, rather than reality) are two routes to get there.

(If you want to learn more about hyperarousal, hypoarousal, and the window of tolerance, I found this article to be pretty helpful.)

Mindful breathing is a huge struggle for me, probably because I tend to counteract feelings with constant activity! But I’m starting to see how breathing can be calming--especially if I've already gotten some of that nervous energy out by moving first (like, say, through yoga).

And "I don't feel okay, but I am okay" was something that my therapist suggested when I was like, "What can I tell myself when I'm freaking out?!" It's been my mantra for the past few days when I feel super amped up despite being in a perfectly safe environment. Honestly, I've been feeling like I'm crazy because my emotions have been so intense, so I'm trying to keep in mind that the intensity will pass and that I'm developing tools to get myself back to a calmer, more rational state. And one that isn't totally numb to boot. 🙌🏻

What about this month's Healing with the Angels card? It's a new one for me: "playfulness." 

My initial reaction? UGH. But I can see why I might have pulled it. Because I've been so amped up lately, I've been taking everything super seriously and stressing about every little thing I do or say. The write-up on the "playfulness" card says, "When you have fun and laugh, you relax." What a concept! 😂

What are you working on this month?

Linking up with Nicole at Writes Like a Girl!

High Five for Friday: February 2

Oh boy, let’s see what put the sparkle into this emotional roller coaster of a week!

• So the retreat may have left me in a glass case of emotion, but it was also deeply wonderful. There were moments of connection that really warmed my heart, and moments that gave me hope that my future isn't doomed to just reexperiencing the pain of the past. ❤️

Now let's run through some of the things that have helped me to get through this week without jumping out of my skin!

• Writing! I've felt pretty meh about blogging for at least the last six months, but writing about what I've been feeling this week has been really helpful.

• I just could not sit still over the weekend, so I went for two long walks and to a yoga class. (It was the first time that a yoga class felt too short!) I was pretty out of it when I set out on my walk on Sunday, so I knew the walk was helping when I spotted a rogue catloaf!

• After my friend Kristin heard that I hadn't slept much in six days, she came right over with cat paraphernalia and a willingness to chat about nothing! Hooray! It was exactly what I needed. Kristin is the friend who took me to inpatient, so she is not deterred by a text that says, "Well, come on over! I may be actively crying!” #rideordie

• Having familiar shows on as background noise always helps me, and bonus when it's General Hospital because my life is usually going 1000x better than any soap character at any given time. I'm not the biggest Sam fan, but this whole "My dead husband is actually alive (just with facial reconstruction), but wait, it's not my husband, it's the brother no one knew he had" thing is 💯. Oh soaps, never change.  

I KNOW THAT FEEL, GIRL. Just not about husbands coming back from the dead. 

Hope you have a great weekend! xo

When you can't calm down

Today was supposed to be budget post day, but my nervous system had other plans! Writing about what I've been feeling has been cathartic for me, and I hope that sharing is helpful for anyone else feeling similarly. You're not alone!

Y'all know there was no H54F last week because I was away at a retreat. In some ways, the retreat was really wonderful. But it also made me feel things. A LOT of things. And that is not my jam.

I've mentioned before that I struggle with PTSD, and some of the healing activities we did at the retreat triggered my old PTSD symptoms. By Friday, I wasn't sleeping or eating much, I was crying over everything, I felt super clingy, I couldn't sit still... So once I got home, I basically felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. 

While in a perfectly safe environment, I felt scared to death. That's PTSD for you, I guess.

This onslaught of emotions has been especially hard for me because I'm typically living my best Elsa life: conceal, don't feel, don't let them know.

And the most important one of the "they" is me. Now I know. Now I remember the full depth of emotional pain and terror that I felt as a kid, which makes it hard to stay angry at that part of myself. When we talk about my inner child in therapy, I tend to see her as the enemy, as the thing that's holding me back from living a full life. But now I see that my inner child is still super distressed from the things that she experienced and that that's why she gets in my way. It's not because she's trying to derail my life; it's a cry for help that I've been ignoring. 

My emotional state has been improving since Friday, but I still feel a jolt of panic when I stop doing something or am suddenly alone. Like, the fear pops right back up once distraction is gone. Feeling like your nervous system is stuck in overdrive is no joke. For anyone else feeling that way right now, you're a champ for just making it through the day. The biggest (and hardest) thing I’ve been trying to tell myself is that these feelings come in waves. That I may feel scared to death, but it does eventually lessen. Even if it comes back, there are moments of relief--something I struggled to see back when I was suicidal.

According to my therapists, all of this feeling is a good thing. I’m not totally convinced in my current, sleep-deprived state, but I'll take their word for it. :) One therapist said that this is the path to a full range of emotions that includes good emotions, like joy. I hope she's right. <3