I try to keep things mostly upbeat on the blog, but that's hard to do when I feel so blah. My anxiety usually keeps me in constant motion, but my depression paralyzes me. So at the moment, I feel like someone trying to plod through quicksand. HOORAY.
Now, here is my knee-jerk reaction to that hearing my psychiatrist officially say that I'm depressed again: WHAT THE FUCK. I've been "good"! I take all of my medications and I'm currently seeing three freaking therapists. I'm trying here!! What else am I supposed to do?!
Oh, all of the scary "growth" things that I've been putting off. Oh, THOSE THINGS, THAT'S what I need to be doing.
In terms of doing things that scare me, I might jump a few hurdles and then just lay down in front of the next one. Or turn around and walk away, like "Nah." Take my on again-off again relationship with driving, for instance. My therapist pushing me to do exposure therapy got me behind the wheel after years, and I completed that with flying colors. Annnnd then I resumed doing nothing. I mean, I'm keeping up with the driving, but the next big thing would be to get a car, and for the past six months, I've just been like, "No thanks, I'm good running through 8 billion potential horrible outcomes of that decision and doing zero." It's the same with moving out. And other "grown-up" growth things that I'd much rather not think about. My EMDR therapist speculated that trying these "scary" things would be my antidepressant and get me out of my current malaise. I think she's right. But I also wish her directive was for someone else :)
On the plus side, I'm rolling with this low-energy, sad period better than I have in the past. For someone who previously lost herself in suicidal thoughts, the idea that strong, sad, scary feelings can pass is a breakthrough. I've been trying not to beat myself up about feeling blah. If I want to clean, I clean. If I want to watch 2 Broke Girls for hours, that's ok. If I want to sleep for 12 hours, I do. Stressing about being lazy just makes it worse. And I'm still seeing my three therapists and my psychiatrist, and going to yoga, and taking my new medication. I'm doing the best that I can right now. So if things are quiet on the blog at the moment, you know why. One minute, I think I'll never get off the couch and the next, I'm all in for writing a post. That's how it is right now: minute to minute. And that's OK. <3