Oh boy, let's see what put the sparkle into this week!
- This has not been an easy week. Feelings of hopelessness and the desire to give up creep into my life a lot. (I'm not talking about suicide here, but about more benign things, like making healthy changes in my life.) Some weeks, I am more able to fight that impulse. This was not one of those weeks. (I swear, the sparkle is coming!)
My reflexive reaction to things is giving up. I'm not proud of it, but I often feel powerless against it. If I'm not perfect at something, I don't want to do it. Just showing up doesn't feel acceptable to me. I have to be great, or else, why bother? Which (surprise!) is SO limiting.
So my therapist encouraged me to try to embrace being mediocre at things.
For instance, instead of focusing on how bad I am at yoga, and how annoyed that makes me, just keep showing up. Just keep trying. (Conveniently, I do have Yoga Teacher Training this weekend!)
Just keep staying alive. I get annoyed with myself for not having done more in the 4.5 years since inpatient. Like, I'm actually working on my shit now! Hello, Mental Health Gods, it's me, Jess--make me better already!
Buuut that's not how it works. I still have to keep showing up in my everyday life as much as anywhere else. And get okay with the fact that I'm more able to sparkle punch some weeks than others. There's a lot of grey that gets lost amid the black and white. And THAT'S where the sparkle can come in.
- MOVING ON! I went to a tarot card reading on Friday night, and it was so freaking cool! I'm so curious about connecting with the spirits/universe and discovering my intuition. I think it might help me to feel less lost and negative about my life.
- So many things the tarot card reader and I talked about related to what had been coming up for me in therapy. She urged me to remember that "I'm in the process" and encouraged me to keep my eye out for synchronicities in life. So when I was at TJ Maxx on Sunday, this picture jumped right out at me.
- This has been my jam this week. (You might also recognize it from Ice Cube's "It Was a Good Day," which is what sent me down this rabbit hole in the first place!)
- This chick is back eeee! I don't have a ton of interest in current Grey's, but I was pumped about Teddy's return and literally shrieked when I saw her.
I was so sad when she left at the end of season 8, and she didn't even die! (Such a rarity on Grey's!)
Hope you have a great weekend! xo