High Five for Friday: February 2

Oh boy, let’s see what put the sparkle into this emotional roller coaster of a week!

• So the retreat may have left me in a glass case of emotion, but it was also deeply wonderful. There were moments of connection that really warmed my heart, and moments that gave me hope that my future isn't doomed to just reexperiencing the pain of the past. ❤️

Now let's run through some of the things that have helped me to get through this week without jumping out of my skin!

• Writing! I've felt pretty meh about blogging for at least the last six months, but writing about what I've been feeling this week has been really helpful.

• I just could not sit still over the weekend, so I went for two long walks and to a yoga class. (It was the first time that a yoga class felt too short!) I was pretty out of it when I set out on my walk on Sunday, so I knew the walk was helping when I spotted a rogue catloaf!

• After my friend Kristin heard that I hadn't slept much in six days, she came right over with cat paraphernalia and a willingness to chat about nothing! Hooray! It was exactly what I needed. Kristin is the friend who took me to inpatient, so she is not deterred by a text that says, "Well, come on over! I may be actively crying!” #rideordie

• Having familiar shows on as background noise always helps me, and bonus when it's General Hospital because my life is usually going 1000x better than any soap character at any given time. I'm not the biggest Sam fan, but this whole "My dead husband is actually alive (just with facial reconstruction), but wait, it's not my husband, it's the brother no one knew he had" thing is 💯. Oh soaps, never change.  

I KNOW THAT FEEL, GIRL. Just not about husbands coming back from the dead. 

Hope you have a great weekend! xo

When you can't calm down

Today was supposed to be budget post day, but my nervous system had other plans! Writing about what I've been feeling has been cathartic for me, and I hope that sharing is helpful for anyone else feeling similarly. You're not alone!

Y'all know there was no H54F last week because I was away at a retreat. In some ways, the retreat was really wonderful. But it also made me feel things. A LOT of things. And that is not my jam.

I've mentioned before that I struggle with PTSD, and some of the healing activities we did at the retreat triggered my old PTSD symptoms. By Friday, I wasn't sleeping or eating much, I was crying over everything, I felt super clingy, I couldn't sit still... So once I got home, I basically felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. 

While in a perfectly safe environment, I felt scared to death. That's PTSD for you, I guess.

This onslaught of emotions has been especially hard for me because I'm typically living my best Elsa life: conceal, don't feel, don't let them know.

And the most important one of the "they" is me. Now I know. Now I remember the full depth of emotional pain and terror that I felt as a kid, which makes it hard to stay angry at that part of myself. When we talk about my inner child in therapy, I tend to see her as the enemy, as the thing that's holding me back from living a full life. But now I see that my inner child is still super distressed from the things that she experienced and that that's why she gets in my way. It's not because she's trying to derail my life; it's a cry for help that I've been ignoring. 

My emotional state has been improving since Friday, but I still feel a jolt of panic when I stop doing something or am suddenly alone. Like, the fear pops right back up once distraction is gone. Feeling like your nervous system is stuck in overdrive is no joke. For anyone else feeling that way right now, you're a champ for just making it through the day. The biggest (and hardest) thing I’ve been trying to tell myself is that these feelings come in waves. That I may feel scared to death, but it does eventually lessen. Even if it comes back, there are moments of relief--something I struggled to see back when I was suicidal.

According to my therapists, all of this feeling is a good thing. I’m not totally convinced in my current, sleep-deprived state, but I'll take their word for it. :) One therapist said that this is the path to a full range of emotions that includes good emotions, like joy. I hope she's right. <3

2017 Favorites

January really got away from me, so let's look back at some of my Favorites from 2017 before it's 2018!

(These first few items I’ve had since the end of 2016 but hadn’t had long enough to consider them favorites in 2016.)

• Y'all know I'm obsessed with Lipsense, especially with Bombshell, which is my ideal "my lips but better" shade. I've already gone through two tubes of Bombshell and Glossy Gloss since fall 2016!

• I like these Sketchers Go Step sneakers because they are comfy without being bulky and so can go with anything! (At least in my mind they do!)

• I seriously agonized for months about buying this fidget ring from Etsy and am so glad I did. It's so cute and fits perfectly--in addition to being there for the fidgeting. I wear it every day!

• I'm on my second bottle of Glossier's Milky Jelly Cleanser. It hasn't bothered my sensitive skin and has a very nice consistency. 

• I bought Glossier's Balm DotCom in Original after seeing Fran rave about it, and I have not been disappointed. It just melts into your lips and doesn't seem to wear off as quickly as other balms do, which is exactly what I want as a lip-biter! Since then, I've also gotten the Cherry flavor, and I love that one even more. The Original can get a little oily, not to mention that the tiny pop of color that the Cherry has is just 💯.

• These Primark skinny jeans are super soft and stretchy, while also being $15. SOLD. I now own two pairs!

• I had been coveting Lanolips forever (curse you, primarily European beauty brands!), so I nearly shrieked when I spotted it at Ulta over the summer! The multibalm has not disappointed! I use it every night before bed.

• I bought this $10 phone holder for my car on a whim while in the checkout line at Nordstrom Rack and have not regretted it one bit. It keeps my phone in place even while driving over the cobblestones in Chestnut Hill, so you know it's legit!

What are your faves from 2017 that I've got to check out?!

High Five for Friday: January 19

Friday already! Let's see what put the sparkle into this week: 

• My exciting Saturday night was spent buying a shower cap and toothpaste at Target--woo hoo! While I was there, of course I had to check out the $1 Spot, which is all Valentinesy, much to my pink-and-sparkle-loving glee! I found the heart pouch below and totally fell in love because A.) pink sparkly hearts! and B.) it looks kind of like this Paper Source pouch but does not cost $22! (Actually, I don't know how much my pouch really costs or if it's even from the $1 Spot--it was the only one there and had no tag, so they were like "Whatev" and charged me $1!)

When you find a pouch that sings the pink sparkle-heart song of your soul @target 😍👌💖❤️✨

A post shared by Jess (@jessie_face4) on Jan 13, 2018 at 5:02pm PST

• Did anyone else love the movie The Cutting Edge as a kid? Hockey player turned pairs figure skater who finds love with his figure skating partner? If that doesn't sell you on it, maybe awesome workout sequences set to Black Box will! (Does it get any more '90s than that?) What's not to love?! #HaleSchmale

• I'm so over the cold and snow, but I'm willing to accept Wednesday's little storm because it looked pretty and the roads were fine.

• Did anyone else watch the first episode of The Assassination of Gianni Versace this week? I don't know much about his murder (I was 10 when it happened), but I LOVED The People Vs OJ Simpson and also conveniently loved Darren Criss on Glee, so I am on board!

I happened to catch him on Kelly and Ryan and was clearly pumped about it, haha. 

The first episode was beautifully artistic and deeply unsettling. Even though I knew he was going to be playing a murderer, I still was not emotionally prepared enough for Blaine Warbler: sociopath. On the plus side, Versace is def #robegoals in the first episode:

• Lastly, is there anything cuter than cats taking over toys that are not meant for them?

New brother = new toys! #catlife

A post shared by Lemon & Sugar Pies (@lemonsugarpies) on Jan 15, 2018 at 7:06am PST

I doubt I'll get a post up next week because I'll be away on a retreat, so have a great two weeks, friends! xo 

High Five for Friday: January 12

This has been such a wacky week. Sometimes, you just have to laugh at the chaos though, right? What else can you do!

• Before I get into all that, one legitimately positive thing that happened was teaching my first mini yoga class on Sunday! As freaked out as I was beforehand, it felt surprisingly intuitive and was very fulfilling! ❤️

• I had to head up to YTT on Friday night, and about 15 minutes into my drive, the tire pressure light came on. I'm still easily spooked driving and didn't remember what that light meant, so I shrieked about it a bit, as you do. And then, later in the drive, my defroster began losing the fight against the bomb cyclone, so my car basically looked like this:

• When I was leaving for therapy on Tuesday, I discovered that our walkway was basically a sheet of ice. Oh goody! 

My attempt to navigate it drew an audience of the two little boys next door, who were so excited about watching me flail that they accidentally opened the door, and their dog came sprinting outside. (Now we have the answer to that age-old question "Who let the dogs out?") He was scampering around and skidding on the ice and having a much better time than me until our poor neighbor came out and corralled him.

• Not surprisingly, I wound up being a few minutes late to therapy, so I just rushed inside with my sunglasses on, thinking I had my real glasses in my bag. NOPE. 👏

• On Wednesday, I had a doctor's appointment and scans, and one of the computer systems was down, which meant that my doctor couldn't actually look at my scans. (Although she wasn't worried by the report from radiology so WOO HOO!) Then on Thursday, when Pops and I went to put air in my tires (because I'm still a rube with everything other than putting gas in my car), we had to go to FOUR different gas stations before finding one where the air thingy wasn't out of order. IS IT ME?! 

OY! 😂 Here's hoping for a less bonkers weekend! Hope you guys have a great one! xo