March 2018 Goals

I'm feeling super emotionally and energetically drained right now, but there are some adult-y things that I need to get done, and making them this month's goals seemed like the best way to potentially do them!

1. Do taxes: Yawn.

2. Get car inspected: Mainly to avoid last year's problem of being wanted dead or alive. 😂

3. Plan yoga class: I have to teach my first full yoga class, to the whole YTT group, at the end of the month. EEP! So I need to actually start working on this instead of just obsessively worrying about it like I currently am. When I used to have to do presentations in school, I would write out a whole script and practice it repeatedly, and I think that having something to go back to and envision if my mind went blank really helped me not devolve into fight or flight mode. (I just really want to get through this class without another panic attack if at all possible!)

4: Creative writing: I've mentioned a few times that I have this story/collection of characters rolling around in my head, and I've noticed how much I genuinely feel excited when I get ideas for it. It gives me life! So I should probably stop ignoring it or dismissing it as dumb or unimportant. It makes me happy, and I guess that is important enough. 💖

Now February's goals weren't really goals so much as mantras to keep in mind during the emotional rollercoaster that was the last month. "I don't feel okay, but I am okay" was the one that I came back to the most, especially when I would start to feel scared completely out of the blue and didn’t know what to do with myself.

This month's Healing with the Angels card is CHILDREN 😮😬⁉️ But, as usual, it’s the perfect card for me right now. The description talked a lot about the Inner Child, which is definitely a key component of my healing work, because she is usually scared, and I'm very good at ignoring her. I bet the sudden, scared feelings that I've been having lately are related to her, if I would just listen to her...

What are you working on this month? 

Linking up with Nicole at Feel Good, Dress Better!

High Five for Friday: March 2

Well, that week flew by! Let's see what brought the sparkle:

• Last weekend was an interesting one! I feel like I spent it on a spectrum from Drunk April Kepner to Super Emotional April Kepner, which is obviously aspirational. 

On Friday night, I went to this dance/movement night at the studio where I'm doing yoga teacher training, and I was shocked by how easily I was able to let loose! It was such a wild and freeing experience! I was full-on Drunk Kepner (just completely sober), with a touch of the African Anteater Dance for good measure!

Future head of neuro nbd

Then on Saturday and Sunday, I had yoga teacher training, hence becoming Super Emotional Kepner. I really love being with my fellow YTT gals, but constantly doing something that I'm not "good" at (like, say, yoga), and having to teach and be seen, pushes alllll of my buttons. I wish we could just hang out without the yoga, haha! 

THIS ALL JUST GOT REALLY REALLY REAL.

• I pulled this Goddess Card after the dance party: Isolt, goddess of undying love. I really hope that the healing I'm undergoing is swift and efficient! (Clearly, I need to heed the "be patient with yourself" note.)

• Well, I'm watching 1998 General Hospital again, so I must be getting back to normal! The beginning of this scene (before Luke, aka Major Buzzkill, shows up) speaks to me so profoundly. When Liz goes back to the place she was attacked and then is upset about breaking down in front of Lucky because "I just wanted to be able to give you a good progress report," I am like, GIRL YES. STORY OF MY LIFE. The non-linear aspects of healing drive me nuts, and I always want to be able to tell people I'm doing better. (I'm clearly already really good at being patient with myself! 😂) Buuut that's just not how it works. And Lucky's response to Liz here is so great: "You don't have to do anything for me. I mean, if you stay just the way you are this very second, it'd be more than fine by me." 😭😭😭  I know it's just a dumb soap opera, but it makes me feel less alone in my own struggles (while also giving me all the feels!).

When he reaches for her hand in the beginning OMG ❤️

• My low-grade Olympic fever continued last weekend when I heard that GERMANY'S men's hockey team beat Canada to make it to the gold medal game! My bffl had previously alerted me to the fact that several of our former faves from the Sharks were playing for or coaching Team Germany, so I was totally on board! I didn't get to see the game, and Germany ended up losing to Russia anyway, but I'm still pumped that they won silver! I love me a random underdog!

• I had Gilmore Girls on this week, and you know I struggle with GG, but it was Dean's-profession-of-love episode, and I know that that one features "Oh My Love" by John Lennon. What an exquisitely beautiful song. And with Nicky Hopkins on electric piano! I love finding out who the unsung session musicians on classic rock songs are, and Nicky Hopkins is one of my faves because he's on a million famous songs ("She's a Rainbow," "Getting in Tune," "Angie"...), and his piano playing is just so tender and beautiful. 

• And a bonus SIXTH THING because Mica tagged me when she found this precious fella, and I want to encourage everyone to alert me to the presence of cats in their lives! 😃

I now call all grey tabbies "Dexter Purrington," thanks to this guy!

Hope you have a great weekend! xo

January-February 2018 Budget

Well, I couldn't sit still long enough to write a budget post in January, so here we are with January and February together! 

Interestingly, when I was feeling like an emotional wreck, I had zero interest in shopping. That was an unexpected bank error in my favor! Only my regular anxiety can get channeled into finding the ripped jeans of my dreams and something to fix my dark circles, it seems. (Who knew that obsessing over my skin was a sign of mental health?!)

ANYWAY, here’s what I bought over the past two months:

1. Relaxed Textured V-Neck Sweater (Old Navy): on sale for $12
2. Xhilaration Sleep Sweatshirt (Target): $17 - gift card = $0
3. Zoe + Liv Galaxy Unicorn Tee (Target): $13
4. Distressed Rockstar Jeans (Old Navy): $40 - gift card = $15
5. Any Day Now Scoop T-Shirt (Target): $8

Not pictured:

1. LC Lauren Conrad Filigree Midi Ring (Kohl's): $10 on sale for $4 - gift card = $0
2. LC Lauren Conrad Birth Month Tasseled Slipknot Bracelet (Kohls): $18 on sale for $15 - gift card = $0
3. Lavender Tee (Marshalls): $6
4. Shine High Neck Tank Top (Old Navy): on sale for $4
5. Moto Compression Leggings (Old Navy): $35 on sale for $17
6. Mossimo V-Neck Long Sleeve Tee: $10 - gift card = $0
7. Milky Jelly Cleanser and Boy Brow Duo (Glossier): $30

TOTAL: $105

Since I bought a million things, I'm not going to talk about all of them individually. But if I were to single out the one item that I think you need to run out and get immediately, it's the Xhilaration sleep hoodie. It’s ridiculously soft and cozy AND has sleeves long enough to cover your hands—a real perk when you have a constant case of ice hands! I basically just want all of my clothes to be as soft as humanly possible, so I've starting raiding the sleep sections of stores (especially Target) and asking myself things like, "Does this look too much like a robe to wear to work?" But with a sleep hoodie, that is not an issue! 🎉

I also love this tank top that I found on the sale rack at Old Navy. (Tragically, it appears to be out of stock now!) I'm always looking for things that talk about "sparkle" in this sense (not because of To Sparkle Punch or anything 😉), and "shine" was close enough for $4.

“Shine wherever you go” ✨ 

After seeing the lovely Lisa rave about Old Navy's Rockstar jeans, I had to give them a whirl, and she is so right—they're awesome! Super stretchy and soft! I kind of hate myself for spending $40 on ripped jeans, but they were just the perfect pair for me, and I'd been searching for awhile. Not to mention that any time I wait for something to go on sale, I wind up spending the original price, if not more, to meet shipping minimums or on new, cute things in the store. #knowthyself 

The Any Day Now scoop tee might seem boring in the picture, but it has pink and purple streaks in it! I'm not a huge fan of navy, but pink and purple make everything better!

Did you get anything fun so far in 2018?!

High Five for Friday: February 23

Let's see what put the sparkle into this week!

• On Friday, I had to take my car for an oil change, which turned into 50 other things (💸💸💸), BUT they changed my windshield wiper blades, and now I don't have to hear an obnoxious scraping sound every time I use them!! (Almost worth all the money flying away tbh.)

• When I started having that "I'm going to jump out of my skin" feeling a few weeks ago, my one therapist suggested going for walks. Initially, I would just walk, barely aware of the scenery or people around me. This past Saturday, though, I felt like a different person on my walk--or more like my usual self, I guess. Instead of a walk, it was more of a "stop and take pictures of the trees, and the beautiful sunlight, and the Valentine's decorations at the park." (No cats, sadly!) And I went swinging! No one was at the park, and I felt like swinging, so I just went for it! Swinging into the sunlight while listening to M83 was such a pure, freeing moment of joy. And a good reminder that I do have these moments of joy and lightheartedness--that my whole life isn't just dissociating and sobbing in the bathroom (even though it can feel that way). And that those "bad" moments are just moments too. Fleeting moments. 💖

One of my therapists suggested going on walks as a way to alleviate that “I’m going to jump out of my skin” feeling I’ve been having lately. I know that my emotional tailspin is calming down because, on today’s walk, I stopped to marvel at the beautiful scenery and to SWING! My inner child had a ball. ❤️ 😊 #weownthesky . . . #Saturday #realtalk #innerchild #therapy #walkingtherapy #anxietyrelief

A post shared by Jess (@jessie_face4) on Feb 17, 2018 at 12:18pm PST

• I finally saw Lady Bird over the weekend! I think my expectations for it were way too high, but it was still really, really good. I related hard to that Catholic school life. (Kilt checks! "The Prayer of St. Francis"! Ditching your date at prom!) I'm also smitten with Timothee Chalamet (despite him being a complete tool in Lady Bird) because he seems like a total awkward geek IRL. And he wore a purple velvet suit to some award show, so he's clearly living his best life. #PurpleIsANeutral

• Speaking of purple, look at these gorgeous tulips at Whole Foods! I was totally willing to give them all a good home, haha.

• I haven’t been super into the Olympics (in years past, I was very excitedly watching Ukraine play France in hockey so, yeah, not on that level this time!), but the ladies’ figure skating sucked me in. For no reason at all (except maybe because I know that broken foot life?), I became very emphatically Team Medvedeva in the past 48 hours. I loved her free skate and was bummed that she didn’t win the gold. Anyone else watching?

Hope you have a great weekend! xo

High Five for Friday: February 16

Well, hello Friday! Let's see what put the sparkle into this week! 

• I was psyched to be back at yoga teacher training last weekend!

Buuut as we're getting closer to teaching an actual class, we've been practice teaching more and more. I know I signed up to learn how to teach, like duh, but doing so is WAY out of my comfort zone--and worrisome because I know that I tend to dissociate super easily when people are watching me do something. My brain and body just stop communicating. I'm there, but I'm not there. And if I can feel it happening, then the panic starts rising.

And that did indeed happen during a teaching exercise on Saturday. My brain went totally blank, I started getting increasingly panicked, and I ended up fleeing and sobbing in the bathroom. YAY. But I'm including this moment in H54F as a good thing because it revealed something important to me: that I spend so much of my life actively avoiding anxiety triggers so that I won't break down in front of people like this. I usually end up staying home in hiding because that feels like the only option I can handle without drowning in anxiety. But yoga teacher training is the opposite of that--I'm actually out there, in community, doing something. And when you actually do stuff, with other people, you're going to potentially feel things. I'm not gonna lie--the panic attack was terrible and really freaked me out (I haven't felt like that in a looong time), but it happened because I'm trying to LIVE. And that was a powerful realization.

• When I was finally able to breathe again and come back into the room, I found that the other girls had waited for me to "OM" with them at the end of the exercise. I had felt awful for running out, so this sweet gesture almost got me crying again! (But in a good way this time!) I’m so very glad to be part of such a wonderful group. ❤️

• To keep with that lovey dovey-ness, I hope y'all had a fantastic Valentine's Day! I love any excuse for pink, hearts, and sparkles, even though I didn't do anything especially festive, besides getting this awesome card from my dad (whose birthday is Valentine's Day!):

“That scratch will heal” 😂😩😂 

• After days of rain and fog, the sun came back this week, and I've been like a cat in a sunbeam! I've started going for a walk around my therapist's super-cute neighborhood after my appointments, and when I did this week (basking in the sun!), I spotted this guy! He wanted nothing to do with me, but I was thrilled nonetheless! (I saw him from across the street and was like, TARGET ACQUIRED! Commence kissy noises!)

• Lastly, I'd been intrigued by Flower cosmetics for awhile, but then somebody (I think Lavendaire?) posted Flower lipstick swatches in their IG Stories recently, and I was like "GIRL YES." The problem is that a.) it's only available at Walmart (which I never go to) and b.) when I attempted to go to the one near my house, I found that they don't actually carry Flower! Luckily, the Walmart near work does, so I made a little "Treat yo self" stop on my way to work on Thursday! They didn't have the full range of products that's available online, which was kind of disappointing buuut didn't stop me from getting three lipsticks!

Hope you have a great weekend! xo