January-February 2018 Budget

Well, I couldn't sit still long enough to write a budget post in January, so here we are with January and February together! 

Interestingly, when I was feeling like an emotional wreck, I had zero interest in shopping. That was an unexpected bank error in my favor! Only my regular anxiety can get channeled into finding the ripped jeans of my dreams and something to fix my dark circles, it seems. (Who knew that obsessing over my skin was a sign of mental health?!)

ANYWAY, here’s what I bought over the past two months:

1. Relaxed Textured V-Neck Sweater (Old Navy): on sale for $12
2. Xhilaration Sleep Sweatshirt (Target): $17 - gift card = $0
3. Zoe + Liv Galaxy Unicorn Tee (Target): $13
4. Distressed Rockstar Jeans (Old Navy): $40 - gift card = $15
5. Any Day Now Scoop T-Shirt (Target): $8

Not pictured:

1. LC Lauren Conrad Filigree Midi Ring (Kohl's): $10 on sale for $4 - gift card = $0
2. LC Lauren Conrad Birth Month Tasseled Slipknot Bracelet (Kohls): $18 on sale for $15 - gift card = $0
3. Lavender Tee (Marshalls): $6
4. Shine High Neck Tank Top (Old Navy): on sale for $4
5. Moto Compression Leggings (Old Navy): $35 on sale for $17
6. Mossimo V-Neck Long Sleeve Tee: $10 - gift card = $0
7. Milky Jelly Cleanser and Boy Brow Duo (Glossier): $30

TOTAL: $105

Since I bought a million things, I'm not going to talk about all of them individually. But if I were to single out the one item that I think you need to run out and get immediately, it's the Xhilaration sleep hoodie. It’s ridiculously soft and cozy AND has sleeves long enough to cover your hands—a real perk when you have a constant case of ice hands! I basically just want all of my clothes to be as soft as humanly possible, so I've starting raiding the sleep sections of stores (especially Target) and asking myself things like, "Does this look too much like a robe to wear to work?" But with a sleep hoodie, that is not an issue! 🎉

I also love this tank top that I found on the sale rack at Old Navy. (Tragically, it appears to be out of stock now!) I'm always looking for things that talk about "sparkle" in this sense (not because of To Sparkle Punch or anything 😉), and "shine" was close enough for $4.

“Shine wherever you go” ✨ 

After seeing the lovely Lisa rave about Old Navy's Rockstar jeans, I had to give them a whirl, and she is so right—they're awesome! Super stretchy and soft! I kind of hate myself for spending $40 on ripped jeans, but they were just the perfect pair for me, and I'd been searching for awhile. Not to mention that any time I wait for something to go on sale, I wind up spending the original price, if not more, to meet shipping minimums or on new, cute things in the store. #knowthyself 

The Any Day Now scoop tee might seem boring in the picture, but it has pink and purple streaks in it! I'm not a huge fan of navy, but pink and purple make everything better!

Did you get anything fun so far in 2018?!

High Five for Friday: February 23

Let's see what put the sparkle into this week!

• On Friday, I had to take my car for an oil change, which turned into 50 other things (💸💸💸), BUT they changed my windshield wiper blades, and now I don't have to hear an obnoxious scraping sound every time I use them!! (Almost worth all the money flying away tbh.)

• When I started having that "I'm going to jump out of my skin" feeling a few weeks ago, my one therapist suggested going for walks. Initially, I would just walk, barely aware of the scenery or people around me. This past Saturday, though, I felt like a different person on my walk--or more like my usual self, I guess. Instead of a walk, it was more of a "stop and take pictures of the trees, and the beautiful sunlight, and the Valentine's decorations at the park." (No cats, sadly!) And I went swinging! No one was at the park, and I felt like swinging, so I just went for it! Swinging into the sunlight while listening to M83 was such a pure, freeing moment of joy. And a good reminder that I do have these moments of joy and lightheartedness--that my whole life isn't just dissociating and sobbing in the bathroom (even though it can feel that way). And that those "bad" moments are just moments too. Fleeting moments. 💖

One of my therapists suggested going on walks as a way to alleviate that “I’m going to jump out of my skin” feeling I’ve been having lately. I know that my emotional tailspin is calming down because, on today’s walk, I stopped to marvel at the beautiful scenery and to SWING! My inner child had a ball. ❤️ 😊 #weownthesky . . . #Saturday #realtalk #innerchild #therapy #walkingtherapy #anxietyrelief

A post shared by Jess (@jessie_face4) on Feb 17, 2018 at 12:18pm PST

• I finally saw Lady Bird over the weekend! I think my expectations for it were way too high, but it was still really, really good. I related hard to that Catholic school life. (Kilt checks! "The Prayer of St. Francis"! Ditching your date at prom!) I'm also smitten with Timothee Chalamet (despite him being a complete tool in Lady Bird) because he seems like a total awkward geek IRL. And he wore a purple velvet suit to some award show, so he's clearly living his best life. #PurpleIsANeutral

• Speaking of purple, look at these gorgeous tulips at Whole Foods! I was totally willing to give them all a good home, haha.

• I haven’t been super into the Olympics (in years past, I was very excitedly watching Ukraine play France in hockey so, yeah, not on that level this time!), but the ladies’ figure skating sucked me in. For no reason at all (except maybe because I know that broken foot life?), I became very emphatically Team Medvedeva in the past 48 hours. I loved her free skate and was bummed that she didn’t win the gold. Anyone else watching?

Hope you have a great weekend! xo

High Five for Friday: February 16

Well, hello Friday! Let's see what put the sparkle into this week! 

• I was psyched to be back at yoga teacher training last weekend!

Buuut as we're getting closer to teaching an actual class, we've been practice teaching more and more. I know I signed up to learn how to teach, like duh, but doing so is WAY out of my comfort zone--and worrisome because I know that I tend to dissociate super easily when people are watching me do something. My brain and body just stop communicating. I'm there, but I'm not there. And if I can feel it happening, then the panic starts rising.

And that did indeed happen during a teaching exercise on Saturday. My brain went totally blank, I started getting increasingly panicked, and I ended up fleeing and sobbing in the bathroom. YAY. But I'm including this moment in H54F as a good thing because it revealed something important to me: that I spend so much of my life actively avoiding anxiety triggers so that I won't break down in front of people like this. I usually end up staying home in hiding because that feels like the only option I can handle without drowning in anxiety. But yoga teacher training is the opposite of that--I'm actually out there, in community, doing something. And when you actually do stuff, with other people, you're going to potentially feel things. I'm not gonna lie--the panic attack was terrible and really freaked me out (I haven't felt like that in a looong time), but it happened because I'm trying to LIVE. And that was a powerful realization.

• When I was finally able to breathe again and come back into the room, I found that the other girls had waited for me to "OM" with them at the end of the exercise. I had felt awful for running out, so this sweet gesture almost got me crying again! (But in a good way this time!) I’m so very glad to be part of such a wonderful group. ❤️

• To keep with that lovey dovey-ness, I hope y'all had a fantastic Valentine's Day! I love any excuse for pink, hearts, and sparkles, even though I didn't do anything especially festive, besides getting this awesome card from my dad (whose birthday is Valentine's Day!):

“That scratch will heal” 😂😩😂 

• After days of rain and fog, the sun came back this week, and I've been like a cat in a sunbeam! I've started going for a walk around my therapist's super-cute neighborhood after my appointments, and when I did this week (basking in the sun!), I spotted this guy! He wanted nothing to do with me, but I was thrilled nonetheless! (I saw him from across the street and was like, TARGET ACQUIRED! Commence kissy noises!)

• Lastly, I'd been intrigued by Flower cosmetics for awhile, but then somebody (I think Lavendaire?) posted Flower lipstick swatches in their IG Stories recently, and I was like "GIRL YES." The problem is that a.) it's only available at Walmart (which I never go to) and b.) when I attempted to go to the one near my house, I found that they don't actually carry Flower! Luckily, the Walmart near work does, so I made a little "Treat yo self" stop on my way to work on Thursday! They didn't have the full range of products that's available online, which was kind of disappointing buuut didn't stop me from getting three lipsticks!

Hope you have a great weekend! xo

High Five for Friday: February 9

Let's see what put the sparkle into this big week for Philly:

• I am generally not at all interested in football, but even I've got a touch of Eagles (or Iggles) fever now! I still can't believe that they actually WON THE SUPER BOWL. Like, how did that even happen?! And that's not a diss--it's because I'm a super-paranoid/negative sports fan. Like, don't touch the Prince of Wales trophy, and definitely don't think your team is actually going to win the big game. (I was a complete basketcase when the Flyers were in the Finals in 2010. I was hiding in the closet when Patrick Kane scored the Cup-winning goal in OT!) But holy hell, the Eagles did the damn thing!! Congrats to all you Eagles fans out there! :)

• This also means that I was treated to many renditions of "Fly Eagles Fly" on the trumpet courtesy of our neighbor on Sunday night, which will never not be hilarious to me.

#tbt to our street’s celebration on Sunday in honor of the parade today 😂🎺🦅 #flyeaglesfly #iggles #phillyphilly

A post shared by Jess (@jessie_face4) on Feb 8, 2018 at 5:40am PST

• I love what Nick Foles had to say after winning. (I also love that he looks like he should be teaching fifth grade Social Studies.) As someone who is struggling some right now, I found it very comforting. 

• Moving on... Sunday was probably the best day I've had in weeks! (And this has nothing to do with the Eagles!) The morning was rough, but I went to a trauma-sensitive yoga class (my fave type of yoga tbh) and then visited my friend Maggie, who twirled me around her house and made me laugh uncontrollably because she is a beautiful goddess. And then I went home to an empty house. Cue the chorus of angels! I was supposed to go to my aunt's to watch the Super Bowl, but I've been such an emotional wreck lately that I decided to stay home so that I had the space to cry or sleep or whatever the spirit moved me to do. It was the perfect decision. ❤️

• And lastly, in this installment of "Weird Ass Song of the Week," we have Eddie Money's "Think I'm in Love," which was featured in last week's episode of Waco. (Is anyone else watching Waco? Pops saw the first episode while I was away and was so pumped about it that it's the first thing he told me about when I got home, haha!) "Think I'm in Love" is a song I totally forgot existed, but it's so catchy and 80s that it's been a fine accompaniment on my many walks lately!

Hope you have a great weekend! xo

February 2018 goals

Oh hey, a goals post! I didn't do one in January because I just didn't feel like it, whoops. I kind of subbed in Timmi's tarot reading instead (relating HARD to the Four of Cups) and called it a day.

February's "goals" are different than usual because I'm still in this very triggered emotional state and haven't been productive with much else. So this month's "goals" are really things that I need to remind myself of as I work through this.  

I’m learning that I spend most of my time bouncing between a state of panic (*hyperventilates*) and shutdown ("I'll never get better, so what’s the point?"). But there's an in-between place (my "window of tolerance") that I need to get to so that I can make measured, thoughtful decisions about my life, rather than just freaking out or giving up. Breathing and not getting swept up in my thoughts (which are typically being colored by my anxiety, depression, and PTSD, rather than reality) are two routes to get there.

(If you want to learn more about hyperarousal, hypoarousal, and the window of tolerance, I found this article to be pretty helpful.)

Mindful breathing is a huge struggle for me, probably because I tend to counteract feelings with constant activity! But I’m starting to see how breathing can be calming--especially if I've already gotten some of that nervous energy out by moving first (like, say, through yoga).

And "I don't feel okay, but I am okay" was something that my therapist suggested when I was like, "What can I tell myself when I'm freaking out?!" It's been my mantra for the past few days when I feel super amped up despite being in a perfectly safe environment. Honestly, I've been feeling like I'm crazy because my emotions have been so intense, so I'm trying to keep in mind that the intensity will pass and that I'm developing tools to get myself back to a calmer, more rational state. And one that isn't totally numb to boot. 🙌🏻

What about this month's Healing with the Angels card? It's a new one for me: "playfulness." 

My initial reaction? UGH. But I can see why I might have pulled it. Because I've been so amped up lately, I've been taking everything super seriously and stressing about every little thing I do or say. The write-up on the "playfulness" card says, "When you have fun and laugh, you relax." What a concept! 😂

What are you working on this month?

Linking up with Nicole at Writes Like a Girl!