High Five for Friday: October 7

I thought it was going to be hard to come up with five things for this week, but it turned out to be super easy! I guess the sparkle is always there, just waiting for us to see it. :) 

• Exhibit A: this precious little angel. She is just the cutest. My friend Deena (Sasha's owner) got a barrage of heart emojis in response to this pic, haha! 

Apparently, a pumpkin costume is way more tolerable than kitten mittens! Who knew?

• I've been wanting to get some black and/or grey sneakers that look cute (or at least not dumb!) with jeans, so on Sunday, I ventured out to DSW. I've never had any luck with Sketchers (they tend to be pretty wide, and I have super-narrow feet) until now! No frills, no crazy colors or design, a streamlined look... basically, exactly what I wanted! AND they were in the sale section! But I knew the true test would be if I could drive in them pain-free, since driving still bothers my injured foot. So I immediately tried on the right shoe in the car for my ride home! I was like, "If I get pulled over, they're going to think I'm insane!" LOL

💯 

• After DSW, I stopped at Old Navy for socks. Seriously. I got a pack of their socks on a whim back in the spring, and I LOVE THEM! Like, I'm disappointed when all five pairs are dirty and I have to wear other socks! So I added a few more pairs to my collection! (Clearly, it doesn't take much to excite me! 😂)

Hedgehogs!! I guess they're this week's contribution to Exotic Animal Watch! 

• I tend to be pretty antisocial, so I'm always pleasantly surprised at how much fun I can have with other people, even just virtually! Tif, one of the lovely ladies who hosts the H54F link-up each week, had an online LipSense party on Facebook on Tuesday night, and it was super fun to chat with her and fellow bloggers Becky (who sells LipSense) and Della! With their help, I picked out Bombshell, which seems like a great "my lips but better" shade. (I'm a neutral lip color gal all the way!) I tend to have dry lips (and I bite my lips a lot eek), so I'm hoping the long-lasting and super-moisturizing nature of LipSense will help me out!

• Was anyone else super bummed that Vanilla Ice got eliminated on DWTS this week?! He was just so positive and happy to be there, not to mention a pretty good dancer! Stodgy old Len Goodman calling him "Vanilla" in his Brit accent was everything I didn't know I needed my life. (Another great moment was when Erin Andrews asked Vanilla Ice what he knew [about DTWS] before being on the show, and he replied, "Construction!" HAHA)  

On the plus side, pros Sasha and Emma (who I knew were dating IRL) got engaged during Tuesday's show, which was pretty darn cute. Public engagements usually make me uncomfortable, but those two seem pretty chill and adorable, so I'll allow it. Plus HOLY MOLY her engagement ring! It's purple! GIRL. I knew I liked you for a reason! 😍

 Here's to a great weekend! xo

October goals

I have no awareness of what day it is any more, let alone what month. How on earth is it October already?! Sheesh! (Naturally, I typed "September goals" a billion times while writing this post!)

Let's see what's on the white board in October... (Two of September's goals were kind of a fail, so they're back in October for a second try!)

1. Put away spring/summer clothes and shoes and get out fall/winter clothes and shoes (😭).

2. I have two posters that I've been trying to frame for at least a year. No joke. It's sad. I've even made this a goal of mine TWICE before, and I still haven't done it! 🙈 (Third time's the charm?) I did recently get a frame for one of them, so I should be able to finally accomplish half of this goal at least, ha!

3. I have such a hard time getting out the door in the morning. I can work whatever hours I want, so my AM slowness is not a big deal, but I've been getting home at 8 PM, and that's kind of a bummer (especially now that it's dark at 8 PM!).

4. Choose two adventures from my list. Maybe two different ones this time? (Weeell, let's not push it!)

5. Those dang blog info pages!

All right, let's reflect on September's goals:

1. Do the research for the Choose Your Own Adventure list (such as finding out places' locations, hours, admission fees, and distance from my house). CHECK! List complete! 

2. Do two things from the Choose Your Own Adventure list. (Eek! I'm really curious to see if this sort of planning helps to get me out the door. And how doing new things does or doesn't reduce my anxiety.) Hmmm, this wasn't a total fail... I just chose the same adventure twice, ha! (I went to one of the state parks near me.) Having the list has not made me more willing/less anxious to do stuff, which is kind of a bummer. BUT I hadn't been to that state park in at least ten years, so I guess the Choose Your Own Adventure List wasn't a total fail!

3. Update info pages on the blog. HALF-CHECK I did jot down a bunch of thoughts and ideas for these, and I managed to update my Blog Love page, as well as my Shopping Wishlist for fall/winter. I still have a few more pages to update, but hey, progress!

What are you working on this month?

Linking up with Nicole at Writes Like a Girl!

High Five for Friday: September 30

Geez, these weeks just fly by! Let's see what put the sparkle into this one:

• Last Saturday, I managed to get out to the park I went to a few weeks ago! I inadvertently went at magic hour this time, so the sunlight there was just gorgeous. My walk basically turned into a stop (...and take pictures every five seconds).

• After my walk, I stopped at AC Moore for a picture frame and found this guy! It was love at first sight, and once I figured out he was on sale, I really couldn't resist! As you can see, I was in a super "fall" mood on Saturday--I even got a pumpkin spice latte before my nature walk! Barf! 

What a cute lil guy!

• Sunday was a two-cat day! First, Pops and I found New Cat on the left, who was hanging out in my favorite neighborhood garden and was not very interested in my cooing and "psst"-ing. (Wahhh.) And then, we crossed the street and found Tuxedo Cat! Who, as usual, was pretty much like "UGH these a-holes." 💔  SOMEDAY YOU WILL LOVE ME, TUXEDO CAT!

Also, let the record show that I usually can't see a God's blessed thing (my computer is at like 200% zoom, and I legit can't read street signs half the time), but I can spot a camouflaged Tuxedo Cat from a mile away!! 

#skillz

• Did you hear that Idina Menzel got engaged last week... to PORTMAN from The Mighty Ducks?! Like what?! I loved D2 as a kid, so I get irrationally excited whenever someone from The Mighty Ducks turns up these days, haha! (Connie being in season 10 of Grey's was like a dream come true!) 

This doofus really did well for himself! 

• And finally, I didn't expect Exotic Animal Watch to become a thing, but here we go again, this time with skunks! 😦 My dad's friend accidentally caught Pepe LePew this week! OOPS?

😁 

Ok, he's actually pretty cute! Although it def helps that he's in a picture and not in my life or range of smell! Pops' friend apparently "had a talk with him" and set him free LOL! Thank goodness I only see the groundhogs regularly (and not raccoons or skunks)! My bffl's dogs once had a particularly hilar/pathetic run-in with a skunk: her Mastiff puppy spotted a skunk and lost her mind, which prompted the elderly black Lab to meander out to investigate, and of course, the poor Lab got sprayed by the skunk. There's always that one friend who gets us into trouble, ha!

Hope your weekend is skunk-free! 😂 xo

Btw in you case you missed it, I miraculously got two other posts up this week: one about my experiences with suicidal thoughts and depression, and my September Budget Post!

September 2016 Budget

Whoa guys, I actually bought stuff this month! I went a little crazier than I should have, but at least some of it was bought with birthday gift cards! So let's see what I got in September... (Minus the Target jeggings from this post because I'm not positive that I'm keeping them yet.) 

1. Merona Zip-Around Faux Leather Wallet (Target): $15 on sale for $7
2. Merona Lace Trim Shell (Target): $18 - Cartwheel 25% off = $13 - gift card = $0
3. Caudalie Vinoperfect Radiance Serum sample (eBay): $10
4. L.O.L. Vintage Mystical Diagram Graphic Burnout Swing Tank (Target): $13 - Cartwheel 25% off = $10 - gift card = $0
5. Leggings with feather print (LuLaRoe): $25

Not pictured:

1. Laneige Good Night Trial Kit (Target): $5
2. Solid Leggings in plum and olive (LuLaRoe): 2 for $42
3. Irma Top in black (LuLaRoe): $35
4. Xhilaration Jeggings (Target): $16 on sale for $11
5. C&S drapey tee (Plato's Closet): $6 - clothes trade-in = $0

Total: $135

Holy leggings, Batman! Ok, so the pair from Target were an emergency purchase when I was in Chicago because I only packed two pairs of leggings and wanted to wear leggings every day (#packingfail #knowthyself). But it's all good because the pair I found at the Chicago Loop Target were on sale and HAVE POCKETS!! 🎉 I also went a bit crazy attending my first-ever LuLaRoe party! That was the biggest blow to my budget. The whole idea with LuLaRoe is that everything is limited--only so many pieces are made in each pattern, and you can't buy it in any stores. (Like, I can't see something I like in-store, leave, and then just order it online two weeks later--which is actually exactly what happened with the Target Mystic Tank!) This is bad news for me because I already tend to be an impulsive shopper--I don't need any encouragement, ha! But I can wear leggings to work (thank you, lack of a dress code), so the LuLaRoe purchases are not entirely ridiculous! I love the LLR leggings but am not totally sold on the Irma yet... It's cute, but it's oversized, and I need to find a way to not look like I'm drowning in it. A good belt, maybe?

As for the skincare purchases, back in August, when I was trying to find a product to treat my facial redness, I had gotten a sample of the Caudalie Vinoperfect Radiance Serum from Sephora. It retails for $79, so of course, I love it. (ACK.) I had gotten a few zits around the time I started using the Radiance Serum, and it's been doing a great job of fading the acne marks. I bought the larger sample size this month because the little plastic sample "pot" from Sephora had run out, and I want to test it out more before I commit to $79. (Why is there no other option available at Sephora at a lower price-point??) And the Laneige sample kit was a total whim at Target because I've been intrigued by the Laneige Water Sleeping Mask since my initial K Beauty obsession, but I could never commit to a full-size. Well, I've used the mask a few times, and I really like it! It smells great, and it doesn't make my skin super-greasy (huzzah!). In fact, I think it helps a little bit with my redness too! The kit also came with the Multiberry Yogurt Repairing Mask, which I've only used once. (I can only definitively say that it smells delicious!)

Oh, and apparently, I need a new Target wallet, because it's been a few months, ha! (Totally normal behavior, right?) I love the Double Zip-Around One that I bought in January, but it's huge and had begun to take up all the room in my everyday purse (and we can't have that). Enter a new, somewhat-smaller model for $7! (I'm now remembering that I just bought a Target wallet last month, but that one is tiny, and I got it specifically for smaller bags. Apparently, I need small, medium, and large wallet options, because I'm insane!) 

What did you guys buy this month? 

Linking up with Fran's Budgeting Bloggers! 

Suicidal thought remission

I've noticed a strange phenomenon over the past few months: I've felt more able to handle things. It's not like everything in my life has been spectacular. (Hello break-up, foot injury and other health scares, and new work routine! 👋) And in the past, I met any challenge with the mindset, "THIS IS THE WORST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ANYONE!!1!!." Lately, though, I've been more like, "Ugh, this is happening. Ok. Moving on..."

Most importantly, I have not felt suicidal.

To be able to feel sad or meh or super-stressed without the presence of suicidal thoughts is MAJOR. I've had suicide as an open escape hatch for probably 15 years. The thoughts didn't usually escalate, but they were my security blanket whenever I got scared or overwhelmed. As it's only been three years since I narrowly avoided the fate of Robin Williams and so many others who have acted on their suicidal thoughts, I talk about these things with the hope of normalizing them and showing that progress IS possible--because I certainly didn't feel that way before going inpatient three years ago. 

For me, I think that suicide and anxiety emerged as protective impulses after I experienced some things as a kid that were just too big for me to handle. When you have scary or traumatic experiences, the emotions that you feel are huge and terrifying. They swallow you up. And when you're a kid, you're genuinely not equipped to handle them... and so you might grow up feeling like you can't handle anything. I think that's what happened to me. And that intense vulnerability made the idea of suicide very appealing and comforting. Not only was it an "out," but it was an out within my control--unlike my emotions, or anything, really. Suicide gave me a way to escape if things got too heavy.

Considering how often things used to feel "too heavy," thank God I'm still alive.

I had never been in any kind of therapy until college (and that was just occasional visits to the counseling center), so the negative messages I had internalized went unchecked for a long time and became automatic, often manifesting as self-hate. Outwardly, I was a perfectionist overachiever, and inwardly, I was really negative, consumed with ever-spiraling worries (hence the need to "sparkle punch" now and actively find the good!). Since being inpatient, though, I've gone to therapy nearly every week. Therapy has taught me to question my negative thoughts. To stop reading into everything. To stop seeing myself as the "problem" in every situation. To stop blaming myself for everything. Thinking in a more positive way has been major in alleviating the suicidal thoughts.

Therapy also brought me back to reality, which I desperately needed, since anxiety always kept me in the future. Thinking that a situation will never change or improve is simply not how life works... despite what my ever-faithful anxiety tries to tell me. Scary or unpleasant situations do end. When my mind can't recognize stuff like this on its own, I need to take over and remind myself of what is real. I need to fight back against the steady stream of "protective" anxious thoughts that drag me further into the future, keeping me alert against every threat, however distant or illogical. I need to remind myself that I am safe in this moment, because most of the time, I am. My old therapist used to refer to the questioning of anxious thoughts as "reality testing," which drove me nuts because my anxious thoughts always seem so real! ...but they're not. I can see that now.

Reminders help. ❤️  (FYI: Pilot Precise Grip Bold pens are excellent for writing mantras on yourself!)

I used to be incredibly self-conscious of my mental health struggles, especially about feeling suicidal, since that is sometimes a tough thing for people to hear or understand. I did, and still do, worry about revealing more about myself and being judged as a total freak. But I know that I'm not a total freak, and openness is the only way to break the stigma. In the words of that great prophetess (and mental health advocate) Demi Lovato, "I used to hold my freak back, now I'm letting go." I may feel nervous about speaking out about my issues, but in my everyday life, I'm totally fine with being in therapy and with having been inpatient. Therapy is just a way of life now. I look forward to EMDR every week. Intake forms are my bitch. Positive self-talk is my daily reality. 

Suicidal thoughts can always come back, but at least for now, they're in remission, and that is wonderful. Progress is possible. <3