High Five for Friday: March 30

Happy Friday! Let's see what brought the sparkle:

• YOU GUYS, I taught my yoga class last weekend, and it went SO UNBELIEVABLY WELL!!!! I felt like this confident and composed side of me just took over and kept my anxiety at bay. It was wild! My class focused on self-care and self-love, with a special emphasis on those dark and twisty parts of ourselves that are hard to love. Since the class came so soon after my Rebirthday, I brought in party hats for everyone (I wore my flower crown!) and talked about how inpatient was the first time I admitted to myself and others how much I was struggling—and how accepting those dark parts of myself helped me to stay alive and grow. And tying in with the love theme, I had everyone read a line from my girl Elizabeth Barrett Browning's gorgeous "Sonnet 43"—or "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways." (She and Robert are my Victorian OTP for sure.) The class itself was gentle, incorporated free dance, and emphasized everything as optional because those are the classes that I respond to the best. To be able to foster that experience for people I adore was pure magic. ❤️

When English majors teach yoga classes, they start with a read-along of a Victorian sonnet. 🙌🏻😂 I taught my first yoga class last week, and it was truly magical. I think Elizabeth Barrett Browning (and maybe Robert too!) would approve. ❤️#VictorianSuperCouple . . . #yoga #victorianpoetry #personalgrowth #overcominganxiety

A post shared by Jess (@jessie_face4) on Mar 29, 2018 at 7:45am PDT

• Then on Sunday, when one of our other lovely ladies taught her class, it was snowing, "Into the Mystic" was playing, and I just felt like, Is this real life?! We were basically doing yoga inside a snow globe! We graduate next weekend (!!), and as much as I still struggle with the yoga of it all, I so appreciate having had this outlet to safely feel and connect.

• Interestingly, I've noticed that when I'm staying over at YTT, I usually want to watch Haven, this weird Sci-Fi show that my bffl and I started watching because one of the actors used to be in a Canadian hockey soap opera that we loved (#trueconfessions). I wonder if I'm drawn to it at YTT because that experience is helping me to thaw emotionally. Let me explain: Nathan, one of the main characters in Haven, is "troubled" and can't feel anything—EXCEPT for the touch of his cop partner, Audrey (naturally). This just gives me all the feels because I'm not a very touchy/huggy person, but other touchy/huggy people can bring it out in me, which makes me wonder if my own ability to be affectionate is starting to thaw a little bit. 😘 ANYWAY, Nathan happily realizing that he can feel Audrey's touch always makes me smile because I’ve had that startling feeling of connection before. (Also, my bffl and I exchanged a lot of freaking-out texts when we first saw this scene lol.)

• This week's Weird Ass Song of the Week is "We've Got Tonight" by Bob Seger. I don't even know why I looked it up recently, but I saw on Wiki that Liev Schreiber apparently karaokes it in an episode of Ray Donovan (which I don't watch nbd), and I was like, "Ross the Boss singing 'We've Got Tonight'?! Oh, I am down for that!" And since watching that scene, the song has pretty much been on repeat. 

• And lastly, one of my awesome friends alerted me to my future mode of transportation: CAT-DRAWN CHARIOT. You must be a goddess if you can get cats to cooperate enough to pull your chariot!

 Hope you have a great weekend! xo

High Five for Friday: March 23

Wow, what a week! Let's see what brought the sparkle:

• I am so unbelievably touched by all the sweet texts, comments, Facebook likes, etc. in my response to my Fifth Rebirthday post. I know that I have a tendency to hide, and your lovely messages reminded me that it is safe to come out because I am surrounded by wonderfully supportive people in my life. 💖💖

• I bought myself a Rebirthday present (that's allowed, right?): this dainty little ring from GLDN. Isn't it beautiful?! One of the therapists on the January retreat had suggested that I get a transitional object to remind me that I'm really a strong and capable adult and not a scared nine-year-old kid anymore, so I went with this. (Also, rings are my fave. See below.) Because deciding to go inpatient feels like the most adult thing I've ever done, the ring has that date engraved on it: 3.20.13.

•  Friday was another night of dancing and embracing my tendency to dance like drunk April Kepner while completely sober! (Just call me Dr. Party!) Bonus that it was also my dear friend Maggie's 30th birthday, so we got to celebrate her beautiful self in addition to dancing the night away! (She asked me how I celebrated my 30th, and I was like, "Oh, I split town!" 😂😂)

• Pops had been insisting that we take a Sunday morning trip into Philly for months now, and the jig was up this past Sunday. I'm not exactly sure what the purpose of this trip was, but once we ended up in South Philly, I made him stop at Occasionette because "If I have to go on this tour, can't I at least get a souvenir?!" Occasionette is the cutest little gift shop down the street from my old apartment, and I never go there now because the thought of parking in South Philly is a real NOPE situation. So I made Pops do it--perfect solution! The shop was even cuter than I remembered! I was also sure to stop by Wake Up Yoga, which is where my yoga journey began back in July 2013! And for something exciting to Pops, we walked around checking out all the mid-century flourishes that are still in East Passyunk.

A morning in South Philly (featuring adorable wrapping paper from @occasionette !) 😍💖 #oldstompinggrounds

A post shared by Jess (@jessie_face4) on Mar 18, 2018 at 1:13pm PDT

• Pops told me that I could pick out a little gift at Occasionette, and I couldn't decide between a ring and a ring bowl, so he let me get both! The bowl is so pretty! They had a bunch of different marbled colors, but obviously, I had to go with purple. And the ring! I'm a sucker for a geometric ring (or any ring really).

Hope you have a great weekend! xo

Rebirthday #5

FIVE YEARS. Wow. What a surprise, indeed. 

I could have died five years ago. Sorry to get all “seven strangers picked to live in a house” real right out of the gate, but it’s the truth. My thoughts had gotten so dark that they almost turned out my light for good. But I didn't let them. And today is the day of the year that I get to celebrate that for the huge freaking victory it is. I don't know if there is an accomplishment that I'm prouder of, honestly.

It's shocking that I can talk about all of this so openly now because I was terrified to admit how I really felt for a long time--eleven years, to be exact. Eleven years of hiding the impulses that scared me but felt like they would scare other people even more. Eleven years of feeling so deeply alone, even while I was with other people. I didn't intend to share my feelings on March 19, 2013, either, but I was so desperately in need of help that I just blurted it all out to my unsuspecting friend Kristin. She took me to the hospital the next day and has become one of my closest friends. (And we originally met through blogging! So if that doesn't speak to the power of blogging friendships, I don't know what does!) I talk to her (or at least bombard her with Pusheen stickers in fb messenger) every day. The whole wild ride ultimately made our friendship stronger. Certainly, this is just one person's experience, but I share it to show that it is possible to let people in to the dark and twisty parts of yourself, and not have them run away in horror. I have to remind myself of that on a regular basis, but I do know, deep down, that it's true.

If you know someone who is struggling with suicidal depression, I can say from my own experience that it was extremely heartening to know that my friends still supported me despite my dark thoughts. It must be scary, and possibly confusing, to hear that a friend or loved one is suicidal. But if you love the person, reassure them of that. This site has some great suggestions for things to text someone with depression. You can also just sit with them while they call the suicide hotline--that's where Kristin and I started. And you can go with them to the ER as a possible next step. We went to the ER at a hospital that she knew had a well-respected inpatient program in case I ended up staying. Which was my choice, by the way--the doctors didn't feel like I was enough of a risk that they had to keep me. My psychiatrist at the time told the ER doctor to just increase the dose of my antidepressant. But I knew that that would only make me feel the numb kind of "better" that eventually cycles back to suicidality. Over those eleven years, the periods of suicidal depression seemed to be coming closer and closer together, so I knew it would come back, and I wanted my life to be more than that.

So I said yes to inpatient, which is probably the most responsible, adult decision I've ever made. 

It's hard to imagine that good things will happen to you when you're trapped in the darkness of suicidal depression. But once I started taking my life back, a cascade of good things followed, and quickly too! Sure, we're not together anymore, but I met B a mere 50ish days after inpatient! DAYS! And in my depression, I thought for sure that I was unloveable! It's so wild to think that, at any moment, you could be meeting the people who will become very significant in your life, or you could be doing something that ends up being hugely impactful in the long run.

Let's recap some of the unexpected, wild, and wonderful things that happened after inpatient: 

April 2013: I start consistently going to therapy for the first time in my life.

May 2013: I start group therapy and meet B. 

June 2013: I move to Philly with Deena. 

July 2013: I go to my first ever yoga class, which is a total trainwreck BUT is where I hear about an upcoming retreat for women with trauma, which I attend--and that’s how I meet one of my current therapists! (She’s the one who does the retreats and the yoga teaching training.) 

July 2014: To Sparkle Punch is born! 

April 2015: I start exposure therapy for my driving phobia.

May 2016: I buy my own car. 

None of these things would have happened without that first step of seeking help.

Now, that's not to say that the past five years have been all rainbows and sunshine. B and I broke up. My uncle died of lung cancer and my cousin of a drug overdose. I moved back home. I had to find a new Philly therapist when my original one left her practice. The important thing, though, is that I don't turn to suicide on the non-sunny days anymore. I see my suicidal thoughts as being in remission--I'm not experiencing them now because I'm taking care of my mental health by going to therapy, journaling, doing yoga, etc. It's an ongoing process, and I still struggle in a great many ways. I mean, hello, two months ago, I couldn't eat, sleep, or sit still because I was practically vibrating with anxiety! I have a hard time leaving the house (aside from going to work or therapy). I struggle to see a future for myself, which I think is a known side effect of PTSD. But I'm working on those things. I haven't given up yet. And today, that matters more than anything. 💜

High Five for Friday: March 16

Let’s see what put the sparkle into this week, shall we?

• I finally started to get some ideas for the yoga class that I have to teach next Saturday, hooray! This all happened after the alarm clock in my room at YTT randomly went off at 5 AM, and I sprang out of bed and literally yanked it out of the wall. After all that excitement, I had a hard time getting back to sleep, but I started getting ideas for my class, so it all worked out.🙌🏻

• Look at these lovely things that two of the ladies gifted me with last weekend!

She made this mala necklace herself! Like WUT. 😍

And I’ve taken this stone into work with me, where I've been using it kind of like a worry stone! (Obviously I made a beeline for the purpley one! 💜)
 

• I was pretty wigged out after Sunday's YTT, so I ended up just laying on my mat in the yoga studio for awhile, alternately looking out the skylights and texting Timmi, who reassured me that I am not alone and sent me cat pictures because she is a beautiful angel from heaven. I also got to chat with one of the lovely ladies from YTT for awhile too! Talking to both of them really helped. (Talking to people--what a concept! #introvertprobs)

• On Tuesday, I had a doctor's appointment in Center City and then decided to go to the Whole Foods on South St. for my adrenal supplement (#yolo). On my walk there, I stumbled upon a few cherry blossoms!! It was a bitterly cold day, so the reminder that spring (and FLOWERS!!!) are coming was much appreciated. (Sidenote: Why isn't "Flowers are coming" the Stark house motto? Like, I could get into that WAY more.)

✨🌸🌺Spring is coming🌺🌸✨ #flowertherapy #flowercreeping #flowers

A post shared by Jess (@jessie_face4) on Mar 13, 2018 at 9:31am PDT

• Lastly, two things I saw on Instagram this week that really resonated with me:

“All shallow roots must be uprooted for they will not sustain you” #repost @hausofhoodoo 🙌🏼 🌸 what shallow roots MUST be uprooted ? Here is what I know about the Universe and the Mind....your values WILL create your life! Where are your values in terms of your dreams, your personality, your beliefs? Push push push. You will be tested and tempted. Do not cave. Create those deep deep roots (values) that will sustain your higher self and your personality forever.

A post shared by Danna (@highvibespiritualtribe) on Mar 14, 2018 at 4:50am PDT

From @its_jmacch, who is a beacon of positivity!

Hope you have a great weekend! xo

High Five for Friday: March 9

Firstly, blog friends, I'm SO sorry that I haven't been reading your blogs or responding to comments! As you'll see below, my weekend did not go according to plan, and I'm still behind. I love y’all and hope to get caught up soon! 😘

OKAY, let's see what put the sparkle into this past week:

• Last Friday's Nor'easter did some serious damage to our neighborhood, so the number one thing bringing the sparkle is that our house escaped unscathed AND that I made it home from work safely after a three hour drive that also included a fender tapper when I slid into another car (luckily I was only going about 10 mph!). Trying to get to my house from the highway (like two miles) was like being in the War of the Worlds--ambulances and fire trucks zooming by, downed trees and wires everywhere, traffic lights out... I was ready to kiss the floor once I finally made it home!  

casual uprooted foliage just hanging out 😬 

• Now let's take a moment to acknowledge that I drove in snow and high winds on Friday. ME! 😮 Some of you have been around long enough to remember when I was doing exposure therapy for driving and almost fainted driving on a sunny day right by my house! The fact that I was just like, "OK LET'S DO THIS" about driving 30 miles in a snowstorm is mind-blowing--it's like I'm a completely different person than I was in 2015! I feel stuck in many areas of my life, but driving is not one of them (...most of the time anyway). And when I had that little fender tapper, I didn't freak out and throw myself into oncoming traffic. Sure, I was rattled, but I was able to handle it with a shocking amount of composure. I didn't even cry! I don't feel capable of handling most things, but when the worst case scenario happens, I'm usually fine. (Kind of like that wonderful time I threw up on the el.) Who knew?

• Our biggest problem due to the storm was a weekend-long power outage. UGH. Luckily, my friend/savior Kristin came to the rescue on Saturday with a hotel room that she had booked for her fam but then no longer needed when her power came back on. So Pops and I got to spend the night in the warmth and, to his great delight, watch the 11 o'clock news! 

• I feel so dumb talking about General Hospital every week, but for me, it's seriously become the equivalent of putting the crying baby in a car and driving her around. No really, I was randomly crying on Tuesday afternoon, and then GH came on at 3, and it calmed me right down! Port Charles coping with the aftermath of an earthquake was so unintentionally hilarious that it instantly made me feel better about my own life! At least I wasn't trapped in a freezer with my boyfriend or caught under a bookcase on my wedding day, only to be freed by my mortal enemy! 

Always relevant. 

• I saw this on Instagram and it made me laugh out loud:

Coco is sending a little Monday humor to get you through the day!😻😹👑💕💕 Thank you, @kellywalsh5

A post shared by Coco (@princesscoco_foreverhome) on Mar 5, 2018 at 9:36am PST

Ok, before I go, I just need to commiserate with anyone else who loves Grey's--HOW are they getting rid of both Sarah Drew and Jessica Capshaw this season?! 😭😭I love them both so much! (I mean clearly, considering I name-dropped April in this space just last week!) And what will become of Japril?! (The end of this week's episode irritated me so much in that regard UGH.) Are they just never ever ever getting back together?! 😩

Happy #internationawomensday2018 to this beautiful and glorious soul! I love you @jessicacapshaw ! #kepzona

A post shared by Sarah Drew (@thesarahdrew) on Mar 8, 2018 at 10:59am PST

Hope you have a great weekend! xo